unintended consequences

My brother is the second most dangerous driver in the world.

As the most dangerous driver in the world, I feel I have a right to speak.

We found that out, plus a lot more, at the Boys' Brigade Klias Wetlands Proboscis Monkey Hunt/Borneo Golf Resort Late Night Pirated DVD Gala. It began as a whim - let's get out of town, since I have the wheels and they have the cash. If you are one of the participants, yes, the above statement DOES imply I conned you guys into paying for my petrol and my meals. The free lunch simply does not exist. Well, free petrol's scant compensation for a 2-hour drive across the rutty roads - excuse me, in govenrment parlance, "interstate highways" - I drove on Interstate A2 to Beaufort, encountering 22 dead animals, all hit and run victims, on the road - of Sabah.

My Boys needed their Nature Awareness badge, which is accomplished by a field trip to go catch some animals. Privately, I had a good mind to blindfold them all and stick them in a desolate patch of jungle - the things these 14-year-old people-in-the-making do sometimes would be frowned upon by the average animal. Luckily, common sense and my desire to go places won out, and with a flourish and five phone calls, I conscripted my boys to go to Klias Wetlands, the only place one can find proboscis monkeys on the West Coast.

No point driving to Klias (in the vicinity of Beaufort, 1.5 hrs drive from KK) and coming back the same day huh. So we booked three rooms in Borneo Golf Resort, 20 minutes drive away, for a tidy sum of RM 60 per room. To my eternal regret.

Left 1.30pm, after a few snags ("How many 14-year-old butts can we fit comfortably in one row of backseat? Four, I guess, if you ignore the squealing noises coming from the backseat") my green Unser was whizzing to Papar, then the straightest stretch of road in Sabah. It is so straight you can land a few good-sized planes there and still have enough room to build an entire golf course. Straight Road, with ominous warnings of "This is an accident prone area. Please drive slowly." all the way, led to Kimanis, 30km away, then Bongawan, then before Membakut, on record as the town with the MOST billiard centres per population - Borneo Golf Resort. It's small, homely, and reminds me of KYUEM a BIT too much.

Golf course in the middle of nowhere? Check. Haggard faces putting up in chalets? Check. Swimming, tennis, squash, all adjacent to each other? Check. Me? Check. My friends?...

Miss you all loads, guys.

Well, dump our stuff in our room in a chalet facing the swimming pool, and time constraints forced us to rush off to Klias. After a bit of intuitive driving, following roads on hunches, we were greeted with a steep drop to a riverbank, which the Unser handled with finesse. Then to the tiny jetty, where (presumably) tourists were (presumably) eating. It is a racket. They serve you HIGH TEA before the cruise and DINNER after, just to keep you around so you can spend money at their tiny grocery. Well, we nearly didn't get to be kept around.

Some smart office boy had booked our places for Saturday (it was a Sunday and a mightily sunny one at that), after a phone call in deep tones and well-put annoyed stares at the poor cowering nitwit in charge, we got our boat, leaving half an hour late, presumably, returning half an hour late too. And off we go...in search of two proboscis monkey colonies in a mangrove forest, and if we were lucky, the crocs too.

My column will resume tomorrow due to readership constraints. Namely, hell, no one reads this, so why bother writing so much. Suffice to say I just came back today, it's Monday, tomorrow I go to Mount Kinabalu, Wednesday I climb it, Thursday I'll be moaning in undisguised pain. All 4092m worth of pain.

Will see you guys in 5 days' time. Cheers.